My Battle With Mental Health (Chapter 1)[page 3] From the Dark to the Void.

And that was when my emotions boiled all together, a sudden feeling of happiness and pain, the joy with sudden suffering… so I remained silent. I did not know how to feel… so I would just have to leave her… I did not acknowledge anything that she said. I simply walked away, to I tried my best to get to my class room. But in the end… I felt far too lazy. And I had way too much self-loathing, I wanted to talk to that girl, but the truth be told is I felt over whelmed, I felt too panicked. And honestly I wanted to lessen my time here. I did not want to stay in school. It felt like a living hell. Even before I walked in to the class room, one of my teachers spoke to me, her long hair and stupid outfit is extremely off setting, and the fact that her eyeglasses reflecting the light in to my eyes.

“I’m honestly surprised that you came to school…”

“why would you say that ma’am”

“Well you’re so stupid and all,” ma’am Flora was always like this… even from the first day I got here she was so harassing, well mostly because I was different.

“Yes ma’am I know… there is no reason to remind me.”  She scoffed and started to walk towards the class room, I saw the our “honor student” Walking in to the class room. just straight up bumps me, nearly knocking me to the ground, so she just kept on walking. It was nothing… I knew it was nothing… but I still felt bad about it. Well because I failed a lot of my classes she thinks she is better than me… some one that she just pushes around… the worst is when I am on her group for stupid god darn group works, she does not help us, she leaves us to suffer, the only time she would help is when she knows her grades are at risk.

As I got my bearings I quickly made my way in to the class, as I entered it Ma’am Flora said I was late… I was only a few seconds between out honor student and I was the one that was late? This brought me down. It made me sad. It made me realize that this world I am in dose not care for me. I sat down my place.  Was I supposed to listen to the lecture? Even if I wanted to I could not… my mind was focused on her.  A cold wind swept in to the class room and it started to remind me of everything. Then I saw her, before my memories got set off a knock on our classroom door. Ma’am flora walked over and opened the door, Char was standing there…

“Ma’am may I excuse Sander for a few hours?”

“as long as he is out of the class room I don’t really care.”

I got up and went with Char. She was silent as we went down the stairs. I found it odd. This was far too real… something happened… I did not know where we were going and that put me on edge. The lights in this building were off only a light at the end of the hall way… Char started to walk faster… To me this was getting far too sketchy, but I could not trust that she was not going to hurt me… after last night and all…  but then I saw it… that one word, This word did not just put me on edge… it sent me over it… my mind started to think of the worse… every possibility ran around my head hundreds of time… it was panicking me. my heart started to race as I took a few steps forward… as I held the door to open it. I was sent back… I remembered this room… I remembered everything about. This room… the placard on the room said

“Emergency room”

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My Battle With Mental Health (Chapter 1)[page 2] Out of the Cold And in to the Dark.

All I could hear was the soft snow crunching under my feet, the sounds was not too calming, truth be told… it put me on edge… made me feel like I was being watched. one in the morning I knew for a fact that people would not be out… but that way of thinking put me more on edge. my heart was racing.

I have been walking for an hour… nothing but the snow around me… made everything feel like it was empty… like… it was nothing. The fact that the moon was out did not help the fact that I was on edge… my eyes where darting from tree to tree… side ally to anything I could look at… only a few more feet and I was going to be home… the door was in my line of sight…

I rushed towards the door. It was my only chance to rest and relax… something… but as the door unlocked and I stepped in to my house… that was the time, I realized I was alone again. I knew that I had school tomorrow, to others it would be a day of school. It was supposed to be simple, you go there learn stuff then leave, but for me. it would be not sleeping, not eating, walking to school, getting harassed by the teacher and my classmates, walk to the bar, drink for a few hours then walk home. As I was pondering this I sat down at my computer, and started to work on whatever projects I had to do.

I worked, for hours and hours… until the sun came slowly radiating through my window. my mind focused on a warm bath to start my day off, I felt as if my hands where frozen… the code on my screen was breathing some form of life, I got tired of this code so long ago but I knew that it was something I had to do…

After a quick bath dried myself and rushed to dress up, then packed my bag with my laptop and whatever else I would need, and with that I set off for school. The sun was slightly blocked out by the clouds, and honestly… the way to school was boring.

But when I got to school that is where the everything started. Because the first person I saw was her…Char… sure she was talking with others but the way she was standing just the way she looked in general, her hair was in a ponytail and a rather thin jacket but three layered cloths, I knew for a fact that she was fine and warm. But I knew something was up, so I tried my best to walk past her but she quickly noticed me.

“sander!” she said quickly grabbing me.
“Hi… Char” I said scratching my head.
“Sander… I’ve been talking around to some of my friends… and I think I want you to get comfortable with one of my friends”

She stepped aside revealing her… her short hair… the way her eyes had perfect passion, there was something, something that reminded me of her…

Lost in psychology. ( Chapter 1: Psychotic Depression) [ Page: 1]

Warning: This contains themes that are extremely hard hitting and depressing. If you maybe affected by that kind of theme I do not suggest reading…

I held on to the half empty bottle in my left hand… my gaze was set on my left wrist… it was decorated by 27 cuts… deep ones at that, the bright red of the wounds drew my attention to it even if I was looking else where. The bar I was sitting in a was soft brown with a mix of orange here and there… But I was more focused on the bottle in my hand, It was late as well, I knew I had school tomorrow. it’s nothing new. I just wanted to forget, I know right. drinking to forget. such a classic thing to do.

After letting out a sight I took a sip from my bottle. I just looked at the empty chairs next to me, the fact that no one was there was a strong tip that is was getting far to late… The bar owner walked up to me.

“Sander… you have been drinking that for an hour now…”
“Well I’m enjoying the moment Char.” I looked up at Char… she was leaning on the bar looking at me. her long black hair was her most noticeable feature, but it’s the way she looked at me… the way pity of her eyes just ate in to me… made me feel worse.
“You just don’t have any money…”
“that too.” I saw her smile softly it was warm… something that was comforting.
“you pay your tab… so I can’t complain… but I must remind you that we have school tomorrow.”
“I would prefer if you didn’t”
“Well… you don’t have to go… you keep complain about it you could just skip out”
“Trust me if I had a choice I would.”

      I simply slammed the rest of the drink… it was nothing to me. “drinking” dose not really do much for me. it was just something I could enjoy. something to keep my mind off all of the problems… I took out my wallet and put the money on the counter.

“See you tomorrow Char… Thanks for the drink”

I walked towards the door, and i reached for my jacket that was sitting from the lone standing chair that was near the entrance of the bar… as I put my jacket on I looked back and I looked at Char. she looked at me and waived… her thick jacket and long slaves.  was a good look on her… to my memory i think that she was a model of some kind. that and she was rather popular in school… so I opened the door to the bar and walked out in to the cold night.